Under construction...

Stay tuned! I’m working on the conclusion (finally) of my answer about reconstruction.  Next up, “You can do it!l. 

Pain and Perspective: Part I

Part I - Pain

If you are a regular, you know I have a rule about not posting when I'm either in pain or in a bad place. I always write about it, after the worst is over, because I feel like it's important to share the challenges and provide a real-ish picture of what this journey can be like. I say "real-ish" because everyone's road will be different, no two experiences are ever the same, even if the diagnosis is. This blog is a peek into my journey through diagnosis, surgery, treatment, trying to return to "normal" and the reconstruction process.

First, I guess I need to bring you up to speed on where we are. As you recall, the reconstruction process started in January. My first surgery was January 11. Surgery #2, or "The Big One" as I like to call it, was done on February 1st.  Since that time I've been seeing my (spectacular) plastic surgeon every 2 weeks. In the early days, there was more fluid removal than addition but after a couple of months, that finally went in the right direction. So, for at least 6 months now, I've been getting fluid added to Satan's Water Balloons (SWBs)(the clinical term is tissue expanders) every couple of weeks. Early on, I made the mistake of saying the following aloud to my nurse. "You know, these things aren't the most comfortable but they're not as bad as I expected. I keep hearing awful stories about expanders from those who have gone before me and they just aren't that bad."  Without hesitation, she responded "Oh, they'll get worse." You know where we go from here, right? With that fill, the real pain started. See, you're thinking that an expander is just a saline filled implant. Um....NO! I wrote about the "Iron Bra" a while back. Well, we have advanced quite a bit since then.

I won't revisit my entire list of medical issues but I will remind you that I have a muscle that was relocated and some pesky scar tissue. For months, I've been going to PT to help break up the scar tissue and improve my range of motion. The tightness and discomfort has improved significantly but it is not gone. When you add in 10 hour work days and several days per week with a 3 hour commute (yes, that's per day), it doesn't help my physical situation. I'm going over all of this (yes, again) because it relates to what comes next.

Last week was scheduled to be my last fill. Surgery is scheduled for late September so we need to get the fills wrapped up and let SWBs work their magic, and let my body recover and rest up for the procedure. Here's where the aforementioned scar tissue comes in. I will spare you pictures, but that means I have to write this out, so stick with me. On my left side, the one that has the relocated muscle and skin, there is some visibly tethered tissue. It almost looks like there's a strap holding things down. As a result, the plan was to add a good amount of fluid to the SWBs and try to get that stuff to stretch. Well, we did a FANTASTIC job of that! Let me tell you all about it...

She started to fill and, as always, asked me repeatedly how I was. There was some discomfort, a little more than normal, but I told her it was fine to keep going. My memory is a little fuzzy after what happened next, but I think she said she got 90cc in there. WOW! So she takes the needle out and I think I started to talk or something - again...fuzzy - and before I could finish my sentence I feel a pretty significant POP in my chest. It took a second for my brain to catch up so I think I kept talking for a second or two. Then I remember saying "Um, something popped." And then it happened again. My brain  was still trying to work through it all - I first thought something happened with the SWB because, though it felt bizarre, it didn't hurt right away. When the second band popped, I felt quite a burn (pain)...and it intensified...and lingered. At that point my brain was trying to figure out if the muscle had come loose. (Please no!) My doctor tried to find where the source of the pain was. I'm not sure but she might have thought something really awful happened too. Once she found it (she knew she had it by the look on my face) she kept pressure on it for a while (probably 30 seconds, felt like 30 minutes). At that point, my brain went to "Holy cow, did my chest pop open?" Thankfully, that was not the case.  Apparently, a couple of bands of that nasty, stubborn scar tissue popped loose all at once. It was tethered on the side closest to my sternum. Unfortunately, I was not tough enough to leave all that fluid in this time around, so she took out about a third of what she put in. I'm not sure that it will delay surgery but at this point, I don't care. If I have to wait an extra week I will. What's another week, right?

So that's where we are. Oh, I almost forgot the silver lining!!!  As a result of the tissue detachment, I've gotten some (but not complete) relief. The iron bra is little more tolerable and I feel like my range of motion is improved - not as much pulling. The fact that I've been battling a cold and I'm coughing like crazy hasn't made the past week any more fun, but I will continue to remind myself that, after 2 1/2 years of cancer stuff and 7 months of reconstruction work, I'm almost there! The pain and the challenges are temporary, so I'll get through it. Another silver lining is that those same challenges and pain add something to your life...perspective. I'll save that for part 2!

Love to all!
Andee

This is so not funny...no, it is...wait...no it's not

Short post tonight. I'm working on a PT post but it's not done. 

Tonight's topic is related to my ever expanding chest and the lack of feeling after surgery. I have a real fear that I'm going to injure myself if I'm not careful. I was flat chested for almost 2 years so I'm still getting used to the expander foobs.

This image keeps bouncing around in my head. 

Welcome to my world. 

Where have you been....again?

I felt this post needed a picture but I wasn't sure what would be appropriate. I didn't have any great ideas (probably because I'm so distracted by my discomfort) so I improvised. I pulled out a ridiculous pic from a couple of weeks back, did some cheesy edits and VOILA, this is now a post with a picture.

You might be wondering where I've been. Why do I post frequently at times, and then there are long stretches of not much...no...nothing. Well, I have a few rules that I try to follow. I have something to say just about every day but my rules keep me in check. Here are a couple of those rules:

• Whenever possible, try to not to repeat yourself.  If there is a good reason to share information again for the sake of the newbies and/or to provide information to my cancer patient readers, then I shall repeat. Otherwise, I don't write just for the sake of a daily post. 
• No complaining. I try NOT to write if I'm in pain, or even really uncomfortable, because I want the blog to informative, not a pity party. I'll eventually tell you about my challenges but only after I'm through the worst of it. It's important to me to share those things but I don't ever want to be a crybaby. My goal here is to inform. I'm not fishing for sympathy - that can stay in its assigned spot in the dictionary...you know what I'm sayin'!

I'm quite uncomfortable right now for a couple of reasons, but I will not be complaining. I will be providing a brief update because we have a new development. I went in for my bi-weekly "Fill 'Em Up & Drain It Out" appointment today. You can take a small leap and guess what one of the causes of discomfort is.  In addition to that, I've developed some not-so-lovely scar tissue on my back where the muscle was moved. My body is apparently working overtime to fill that void. Fluid and scar tissue are not my friends. The fluid was drained off (again) today so I will have a few days of relief from that but this scar tissue is CRAZY! If I raise my arm or even round my back it feels like I'm going to pull out a rib. This happened on my chest after my mastectomy but on a much smaller scale. It was uncomfortable and not fun but what I have now feels like it is the size of the lat muscle that was moved. Last time around I went to physical therapy  and it worked wonders. Feel free to look back at my post about ASTYM. I highly recommended it way back in 2014. I'm happy to report that my surgeon has referred me for physical therapy. I'm so excited that I get to go back to my favorite physical therapist and I'm even more excited about getting some relief. I'm not sure if ASTYM will be part of the plan this time but I sure hope so. I should get some details this week. I just know that we can't get started soon enough for me.  :-)  As always, I will keep the blog updated with my progress. 

Well, it's been nice to be back but I'm off to try to sleep a bit. It won't be long until I have to be up to get the kids ready for school and start my work day. I'll be back soon!

Love to all,

Andee

The Iron Bra

Hello, hello, hello!

It's Iron Bra time! No, I'm not starting an industrial lingerie line. That's the term that some wise woman came up with to describe what your chest can feel like during reconstruction. So let's start at the beginning.

Tissue Expanders

You might recall from a previous post that I mentioned that expanders are a lot like empty implants. Well, there's more information to share. Saying that they are "like" implants doesn't paint the full picture. Even though they are filled with sterile saline, they are NOT soft. In no way, shape or form are they ANYTHING like the final implant. They are NOT squishy, they DO NOT jiggle, and there is absolutely NOTHING realistic about them. They have to be stout to...wait for it...expand the tissue! That means they can't be warm and comfy. Also, as you can see below, they are placed under the muscle so they do a nice job of rubbing against your ribs from time to time. They don't move around much but you certainly feel the love if you roll over in your sleep or, oh, I don't know, if you're wearing a compression bandage. 

Now, when you get them filled, everything is really tight and quite firm. Over the span of the week or two between fills, things ease up a bit but you never really forget they are there. 

Wait a minute...I don't wear a bra

With all that stretching, strange things happen. Add in muscle spasms and scar tissue adhesions and you might feel like you're wrapped in a compression bandage or wearing a very tight bra when you ARE NOT. No kidding.  There are some days that I couldn't tell (without looking/feeling) if I was wrapped up or not. If you were to cover my eyes and tell me to guess if I was wearing a bra or a bandage, I couldn't tell you for sure. From what I've read, some women even have trouble/discomfort breathing. Someone even described it as feeling as if she was wrapped up in duct tape. For me, the "Iron Bra" isn't painful most of the time. It's very uncomfortable but I don't really hurt until the fluid gets out of control. We'll talk about that later. 

Let It Go, Let It Go

Scar tissue SUUUUUUCKS! I had an issue with adhesion after my mastectomy. Pretty sure I wrote about it. Basically it feels like your skin and underlying tissue are attaching themselves to your ribs. 

That's because that's kind of what's happening. I went through physical therapy the last time and we worked hard to break that stuff up and had great results. I thought I was in the clear this time around until late last week. My back started getting tight and I thought it was just because of the bucket of fluid on my back. By Monday, there was no doubt what it was. When I raise my arm, it feels like I'm going pull out some ribs. The only way to help myself is to stretch and try to massage the tissue to loosen it and pull it away. Yes, it's as uncomfortable as it sounds. At some point there will be a disgusting POP, a burn and then some relief.  I'll keep you posted on my progress. 

The gift that keeps on giving

I'm still battling the fluid. Friday will be 2 months since surgery number 2 and that stuff just keeps on coming. This last time it got pretty bad. I had get it pulled off twice in 10 days. This time around it caused pain in my arm, it feels like I have another cord. Cording is crappy too but I'll spare you the details on that. Just know that it hurts, a lot, but it will eventually work itself out. 

And then....

The healing, and the expansion, continues. I'm thrilled to report that I was cleared to work! Things are modified a little as long as the fluid is an issue but I'm excited to use my brain cells and communicate with people on the outside. Woohoo!

So there it is, all the news that's fit to print. 

Love to all,

Andee

The Journey Continues

I'm starting this post at 11:57 so it will still qualify as an anniversary post. Yay me!

Before I get started, I just want to share something with you. I purchased a dress last fall that I intended to be my Easter dress. It isn't anything showstopping, but I liked it. It's been hanging in my closet for months. I was excited to get it out this morning but there was a problem. Just like every other woman on the planet, I took a deep breath and hoped that my weight wasn't so out of control that the dress wouldn't fit. I pulled it over my head and all seemed to be well. Then it came time to zip it up. Oh boy. Let me explain something real quick. This isn't one of those dresses that zips up the back, or buttons up the front. Nope, this one has a relatively small zipper on the side that runs from the waist up under the arm. So, everything was looking pretty good until it came time to zip. The first few inches (waist) zipped right up. Beyond that, things were challenging. For a moment I was on the verge of tears but then it hit me. My dress didn't fit because my chest was too big! Yes friends, I'm almost busty! (Just a note: Yes, I realize that the part, if not most, of the problem is the gallon of fluid I'm carrying around but let's just let me let myself believe that my bosom is the culprit. Thank you). Luckily, I had another option but who would have thought I would get a warm and fuzzy feeling from a dress not fitting?  It's a miracle, indeed.

Two years ago today, the last thing I was worried about was how my clothes would fit. I had been dealing with the prospect of cancer for almost two weeks but it's a whole different ballgame once it's confirmed. After the diagnosis, things moved very quickly. 2 1/2 weeks after diagnosis I had a bilateral mastectomy. Thirty days later I started treatment - chemo and radiation would carry me through until December 17, 2014. I had a bit of a break in 2015 (infusions every 3 weeks until July and one surgical procedure) but 2015 was a more challenging year, especially on an emotional level. I spent the first 3 months of the year busting my behind to lose the weight I gained during treatment. I lost most of it and then, due to some happenings in my circle of cancer friends, I slipped into a bit of a funk. It was not a good time. I won't bore you with the details but I fell off the wagon, started eating my emotions and started gaining weight. Nothing like being borderline depressed and then reverse all of the hard work that you did. That does a real number on your self confidence. I was able to pull myself out of the funk (cancer stopped being on my mind 24/7) and I was on the upswing. The end of 2015 was all about preparing for 2016. The year of reconstruction. I knew I was going to be off work so I was trying to wrap things up there while trying to prepare for the downtime tied to the first two surgeries, which happened within 21 days. I'm pushing through the frustration of not being able to do much and that is SOOOOOO difficult for me. Every time I get really frustrated, I remind myself how blessed I am. The pain, challenging recovery and the frustration are only temporary.

So here we are, 2 years on from the day that changed my life. Regardless of what happens I'm still here, I still have a fighting spirit and my goal is still to help provide support to as many people as I can. To all of my Pink Sisters (and any other cancer ribbons...all are welcome!) who are just beginning their journey, I promise you will find strength you never thought you had. You will be humbled by the level of support you receive from those who love you, you will feel fear, you will feel ugly, you will cry, you will laugh and you will learn far more than you expect. Soon, you will be one of us....one of those crazy women. One of the ones who says that cancer sucks but, in some strange way, they feel blessed to have gone through the experience. I am not the same person I was on this day 2 years ago. I am stronger, I am more appreciative of the little things in life, I have a burning desire to make a difference (I'm still figuring out how to put that into practice) and I remember that I need to put myself first (work in progress).

I have more to say but I'm tired so I'm signing off.  Before I go, let me say thank you. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you for your comments, your calls, your messages...every kind of support makes a big difference.

Much love to all!
Andee

I am SO not used to these things

Howdy blog friends!

Happy Friday to you! I thought I would stop by for a quick update. I won't bore you with fluid talk - though there has been a lot of it and it got a bit painful - but I will tell you that I had to go in for an unplanned, but much needed, aspiration. My scheduled appointment was not until the 29th, but if I had waited that long, I'm pretty sure I might have exploded. Seriously.

Anyway, I went in for the aspiration and SURPRISE, I got some fluid added to my expanders. Yes, I finally got that fill. And OH what a fill it was!  As a reminder, for those of you just joining us, during reconstruction, tissue expanders are inserted under the muscle in the chest. Expanders are essentially empty implants. Fluid is gradually added to the expanders in order to stretch the skin and muscle to make room for the future implant. In case you missed it or have forgotten, they look like this...

Again, they have a nifty little port in them so the doctor can insert a needle and fill those suckers up! I want you have an idea how much of a change I've undergone in the past 6 weeks. I'm sure you noticed that I complained about pain and discomfort a lot more than usual after this surgery. You might have a better understanding once you see where I started versus where I am now. Again, the pictures are always PG but there will have to be reference photos. Check the Viewers Discretion Advised page later if you want to feel the pain.  :-)

Sorry, back to expanders...here's how they expand!

They have a nifty little port in them that allows the doctor to inject fluid in them and fill 'em up. This is done gradually. Enough fluid gets added so that the skin and tissue are stretched. There is a magnet (I think) in the port because they wave a little wand over each one to find the port, then they stick the needle in and start adding. The needle isn't bad. It's a tiny little stick (no numbing for that one) but the sensation when they are filling them is an interesting one. I will get another fill up on the 29th and will continue to go every week or two to get fluid added until we reach the appropriate size - when we have enough space for the implant. At this point, my crappy skin seems to be holding up well with the expansion. Nothing has popped open yet, so that's definitely a plus!

I have felt some discomfort and a muscle spasm here and there but manageable so far. I felt the most discomfort when I woke up this morning. I think I tried to roll over during the night. OUCHIE! So the discomfort is tolerable and the change in my chest size over the past few weeks is, well, let's just say it's significant. 

So, things are going as expected so far. The fluid has been a nuisance but nothing I can't handle. The expansion pain is there but, again, nothing I can't handle. I just keep reminding myself that the Frankenboobs are going to look so much better and the pain is only temporary. 

Finally, just a note.  I have been contacted by a few people over the past several weeks - some letting me know that they had been recently diagnosed or that someone they know has. As always, if anyone has any questions, feel free to contact me directly. There is a link on the main page of the blog, I've also got the Facebook page, where you can send direct messages. If you would rather just read, that's fine too! On the main page of the blog, you'll find the Blog Archive at the bottom on the right hand side. You can read from the beginning by selecting 2014 and go to March. I literally posted my first entry on the day my diagnosis was confirmed. I've shared it all. 

Rest easy everyone!

Love to all,

Andee

731

Good evening friends,

I'm not feeling too great so I considered not posting tonight, but HERE I AM! Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the day I found my lump. 731 days (there's an extra day because we had leap day this year!) and here I am. I will be acknowledging some additional milestones in pretty rapid succession. Things happened pretty quickly. Next up will be my diagnosaversary and the 2nd birthday of this blog.

So much has happened over the past two years and, looking back now, it has flown by. It seems like yesterday. I remember the early days very vividly. We'll revisit those days over the next couple of weeks but I want to say something to everyone who reads this. Here goes...

I wish that I could say that I'm the only person I know who was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 40s. I can name 4 other women right off the top of my head. Please, please, please do your monthly self exams. Please, please, please get your mammograms. Please, please, please do not follow the guidelines that say you can wait until 50 to start getting annual mammograms. Talk to your doctor, take control of your own health and care. Really!

I know things have been a little more serious than normal on here recently - certainly more clinical. Well, that ends today. Today, my friend Deadpool would like to share a message with all the ladies out there. Guys, feel free to share this with the ladies in your life.  This just might save someones life!

Love to all,
Andee

Same Post, Different Day

Hi everyone!

I'm back. I've tried to spare you from reading the same thing over and over but, alas, here I am to post much of the same. I figure any update is good, right?

So, as you read on the 23rd, I had fluid drained, no fluid added and I received some new stitches. On the 8th, I went back, had fluid drained again (I am wicked good at making tumors/cysts and fluid...it's a gift). The stitches came out (woohoo) but still no fluid in. Just not quite ready yet. Radiated skin sucks...yada yada yada.

Sadly, the fluid is already back. It only took about 48 hours to have the waterbed effect again. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so gifted.  I'm not scheduled to go back until the 29th, but if I get too uncomfortable, I'll see if I can get in early and get jabbed with some needles!

I'm almost 6 weeks out from surgery #2 and it is still very challenging. In addition to the fluid and the fact that I'm still getting used to the foreign bodies in my chest, I'm still limited with what I can do, especially on my left side. Things as simple as pushing myself up off the couch - can't really do it with my left arm. The muscle is still attached in the back so if you move in such a way that the muscle is engaged, it's very uncomfortable. I can feel the pull all the way around. I have trouble getting out of the tub, getting in Bobby's truck...it's a bit tall for me so I have to pull on the handle to get up in it. It's kind of humorous to watch me try to get in. I have to pull up with my right arm. Try that sometime. Talk about awkward. Driving is a challenge. I usually drive primarily with my left hand. It's like trying to write with your other hand - it's weird!

I'm slow to heal this time around and it's been humbling. For once in my life, I'm trying not to overdo it and I'm listening to my doctor, my husband and family. I don't want any setbacks so I'm continuing to work my way through my coloring books and my crossword puzzle app.

I have to go get my babies to bed. Have a great night everyone. Back soon!

P.S. New pic in the Viewer Discretion Advised section. If you don't like scars and stitches, don't look. Otherwise, it's safe.

Love to all!
Andee

Fluid Out, Stitches In...

**Warning: we're going to talk fluid aspiration, scabs, scalpels, etc. If that doesn't interest you, turn back now. You have been warned. 

Good evening and welcome to Tuesday!

I am overjoyed to report that the waterbed is gone! Once again, Dr. Hall and Julie took great care of me and worked together to drain a bucket (not really) of fluid off of my back. Instant relief is a lovely thing.  I filled a 30 ml syringe (the big one in the middle of the tray) and overflowed into the bag of saline. I am a fluid making MACHINE!

It was decided that nothing would be added to the expanders today, and I'm SOOO OK with that. As a result, the stick count was nice and low. One shot in the back to numb and then one to remove that jug (not really) of fluid. Didn't feel a thing for that one! After the fluid was drained, she checked my left side and worked on some of the scabs (translation: removed them). I had one that was still quite large, considering we're 3 weeks post-op. It looked a little interesting, like it was already loose in the middle. She whipped out the tweezers, scissors and the scalpel and went to work. Once she got it uncovered, she decided to stitch me up a bit. We knew it was coming, folks, so don't worry. Remember, my skin is like crepe paper (not really) after radiation so we expected some stitching. The stitching didn't even require any numbing because I'm numb already! Weirdest thing though, about 30 minutes later I was sore. WHAT?!  Yep. I took some Advil when I got home that helped.

So, for now, the plan is to go back in a couple of weeks and get that fill. I'm hoping the healing will continue, the stitches will do their thing, and that my mobility and ability to use my left arm to do more, continues to improve. Don't worry, I won't overdo it. You know I don't have time for any setbacks!

It's time for me to go doctor my incision and get some rest.

Love to all!
Andee

Needles, needles everywhere...again

Hi friends!

I'm getting ready to try to get some rest but I thought I'd stop in and ask for some good vibes for tomorrow. I can handle needles but I estimate that I'm going to get stuck as many as 8 times tomorrow. That's a high end estimate. I doubt it will be that many but aspirate all 3 surgical sites (could be just one but you never know....there's fluid all over the place), that's 3 sticks, plus 3 more sticks if they numb those areas before aspirating and THEN there will be 2 sticks for the expander fills.  I'll give you a final count after tomorrow afternoon's visit but that should be the top end.



I'm not thrilled about all of the needles but I'm looking forward to having someone drain the damn waterbed off of my back. If it wasn't so gross, I would post a video, but I can poke on my side and a section of my back from side to my spine and about 5 inches from top to bottom, moves like a waterbed. It's crazy!

I know that's totally disgusting, but I had to do it. It's just like that! It doesn't make all that noise but the rest is spot on. lol



I'm also looking forward to some of the pressure being relieved. I feel like I'm wearing a really tight inner tube and it's like it's going to pop open any minute. The left side of my chest is quite impressive at the moment. It's mostly fluid and swelling from the surgery and the (buff) muscle that hasn't started to atrophy yet. It's more than a handful! That's pretty impressive considering that 3 weeks ago it was a crater.  I was about to say it will deflate a bit tomorrow if fluid is removed, but she's putting some back in, so we'll see what happens.



Wish me luck, friends.



Love to all,

Andee

The song of the day - My Seroma

Sing with me!

My Seroma!





Today has been rough. My seroma(s) have taken over. My back feels a whole lot like a waterbed when you push on it.  Gross, I know, but we're all about the really real stuff here, remember. I have had the compression bandage on and off but the situation is still ugly. There is a bit of pain, lots of discomfort and, of course, a good amount of pressure. Don't think I haven't considered popping a straw into the hole left by my drain tube. I wouldn't really do it but I've thought about it.

At this point, I just need to make it through until Tuesday afternoon and then I can get some of this stuff pulled out before she fills up the expanders. What a fun day that's going to be, don't you think?  :-)

What I've learned, Version...aw, heck, I don't know

Hello friends!
I hope your Thursday has been fabulous. I hope that everyone has their Valentine goodies and cards ready for the big day tomorrow. If your kids are not yet in school or are already in middle school or beyond...bless you. There is a lot of prep involved this time of year and it's especially challenging when you can't drive. Once again my parents (both sets) saved the day. Much love to all of them!!!

So, what have I learned? It's time for bulleted list. YAY!

• My level of patience with recovery is CRAP. I went into this knowing that it would take extra time but DANG!
• Muscle spasms or, muscle seizures, as I like to call them, SUCK! Especially when one of the muscles in question wraps halfway around your body. 
• I'm going to need to sleep on an incline for a good long while. If I lay at angle less then 45 degrees, there's pain...a lot of pain. I'm not sure whether the expanders are trying to move or if it strains or stretches the muscle somehow. All I know is that it is bad painful. 
• Drains still suck. 
• By the time they are ready to remove my stitches on Tuesday (on my back at least) they are probably going to have to dig some of those puppies out. Oh yay!
• I could probably sleep 20 hours a day. I'm not quite sure what surgery has done to my poor body but apparently it needs rest. 
• My family is awesome. My mother-in-law dropped everything and basically moved in to help us. I know it's hard to be away from home and I want to publicly let her know how much I appreciate her and all that she's done.
  My parents have been a blessing. The continue to help take care of me whenever needed even though they should have been rid of me since age 18. They've served as my babysitters, transporters, caregivers and supporters. 
• I have the best husband in the world ever. He had no idea what he was getting into when he said "in sickness and in health". He is my best friend, the love of my life, a spectacular father, son, brother and all around human being. He accepts my perpetual defectiveness and I love him for it. 

I'm going to go to sleep now but I'm hoping, as I wind down post op week 2, that it will be uphill from here...right up until they pump more fluid into these half empty balloons!  lol

Love to all,

Andee

Why in the world do you do that?

In the spirit of Mardi Gras (a day late), tonight's post is about why I'm comfortable showing people my crazy chest.
First, let me clarify something. I don't randomly lift up my shirt and flash people nor do I show people against their will. I'm not that creepy.  There are a few reasons why I have been ok (so far) showing people my scars/progress.

1. Many people I've talked to, including family members, don't completely understand the surgery I've had. Which muscle went where, why it's there, and where in the heck did that skin come from?, do you have a skin graft on your back now?
   I get it, it's hard to wrap your head around unless you watch the procedure on YouTube. I watched it the day I met with the plastic surgeon.(no surprise, right?). Most other people haven't watched - it's not easy. There are diagrams but they really don't give you the big picture. So, as a result, I'm happy to show you my incisions and try to explain what went where and why. 
2. My breasts are long gone. Haven't had anything for almost 2 years now. Had a couple of places on my chest that looked more like an old lady with her teeth out than anything else. Nothing of any interest. Now, we are in the process of putting things in "positive territory" but they are not my breasts. I don't even call them breasts. I'm an idiot and most of the time I refer to them as my foobs. There are no natural structures anywhere on my chest anymore. It's muscle and skin from my back, of all places, and, at present, the shape is provided by swelling and two partially filled implants. I look more like a mannequin made up as the Bride of Frankenstein.  How unsexy is that? 

Bottom line, I don't see them as breasts or as "mine". It's more about the clinical process and "look what modern plastic surgery can do". The physical part has been tough, and still is, but I'm thrilled that my clothes will fit normally again in a few months. I will feel "whole", like I've taken something back (there's a post about why I decided to do this, if you want to go back).  I just keep reminding myself that this part is temporary. And what a story I'll have to tell.   ;-)

Love to all,

Andee

Tennis anyone?

I'm finally here. I was just having too much trouble trying to type on my little Kindle keyboard with my T-rex arms. I got to ride the lift chair and made it upstairs to use an actual computer.  This is still uncomfortable but much easier. So let's review the week so far.

I arrived at the hospital on Monday morning @ 6:30 AM. I went through all of the pre-op activities - vitals taken, a million questions answered, IV placed, pepcid taken then Dr. Hall drew on me and it was time to roll. From what I hear, they got started around 9 AM and I was out in less than 4 hours. That's still a long time but much shorter than the maximum time estimate. Yay!  I had a little nausea in recovery the last time but I remembered to let them know this time so I got a patch. That means I woke to pain only, not pain and nausea. Yay!

I woke up a bit in recovery and was off to my room. The pain was a little harder to manage this time around. I guess that should be unexpected since I have an incision on my back and lots on my front.  The first 24 hours were a real challenge. There were a lot of tears, I'm not going to lie. And I have never cried over pain, even after my mastectomy. I figured out later that most of the pain was coming from the expanders. We didn't think they'd be filled for another 6 months but Dr. Hall was so happy with the way everything was going, she went ahead and added some fluid to the expanders. Yay for the head start, Boo for the discomfort. Remember, I'm all about full disclosure so I'm not going to tell you that it was all better quickly. Nope, we've just been able to knock the edge off but it's finally tolerable.

As expected, I woke up with 3 drains and a pain catheter in my back. That thing is working WONDERFULLY because I've had no issues with my back. I'm still very sore on the front but I'm happy to say that I can already raise my right arm above my head. My left side is a little more complicated. There's more swelling on that side, more fluid, more pain. Remember the muscle from my back is still attached in the back. It's pulled through a "tunnel" under my arm. Over time the muscle will atrophy but that hasn't happened yet.  Add to that, the fluid/swelling and it feels like I have a tennis ball under my arm. You can see it through my clothes...it's that large. Lovely, right? I can raise the left arm to shoulder level and I'm working on doing more, a little at a time.

The "fooblettes" are currently looking like Dr. Frankenstein did my surgery - especially the left side. Some skin came along with the muscle from my back so she had to make a place for that and sew it all together. They will look much better over time but I have to say, it's nice to have something other than dent there. I'm actually convex rather than concave now. (did I get those right?). Anyway, Dr. Hall is very happy with the look of the skin. She said that the blood flow to the flap is much better than she would have ever expected. That's good!

Time for a break. Back to finish later....

Ok, I'm back and I'm home! YAY!!

So, other than pain, I had minimal complications this time around. On Monday, I had some fluid issues and my left hand puffed up and my fingers looked like sausages. I couldn't make a fist. It appears that it was due to the fluid they were pumping in to me and the fact that I left my left hand hanging down because it was painful to move it. After we noticed the swelling, we propped my left arm up on pillows for the remainder of my hospital stay and it came down. It's very close to normal now. I was just sure that it was lymphedema.

I once again had a reaction to the prep stuff. It happened pretty quickly this time so Bobby (bless his heart) had to try to get that junk off of me. They cleaned most of it off my chest right after surgery but there was still a good amount of it left on my back. When Bobby was trying to clean it off, he had to rinse the washcloth 5-6 times. Thankfully, everyone acted quickly so it was better fairly quickly. Bobby cleaned off the prep and ink and they gave me Benadryl...in my IV.  It helped with the itching and also knocked me out.

I have not, yet, tried to figure out how many stitches I have. It's a lot.  I finally caught a glimpse of the incision on my back today and it's larger than I expected. Not a big deal though.

The only other challenge is trying to keep the muscles from tightening up. It's pretty easy when I'm up and about but it becomes a problem when I sleep. With all of  my tubes and bit of pain, I have to sleep propped up and can't roll onto either side. Sleeping in one position means my muscles get no stretch while I'm sleeping. When I get up it takes a while to loosen everything back up again.

So, there's my update. The first 48 hours this time around have been the most challenging of all of my surgeries. More pain, more discomfort, needed more help...etc. Thankfully we got through it but it was not a fun time.

I'm off to take care of my drains and then try to stay awake for a little while.

Thank you to everyone who called, texted, messaged or came to visit. I appreciate everyone's love and support and positive vibes. It makes all the difference.

Back tomorrow.
Love to all
Andee

Today's post is brought to you by the word seroma

Wednesday January 27, 2016

Here we are, day 1 after the tube was removed and I already have a seroma. It's not too bad, but it's there. I'll let you know if I get to the beachball stage. The thought of that just plain grosses me out. ICK!
I'm tired (even after a nap!) so this will be short.
'Night!

________________________________________________________________________
Friday January 29, 2016

As you already know (assuming you read the post from earlier today), things got worse over the next 24 hours but I'm feeling much better today. I feel a little like I'm wearing a float my chest. You know I'm very visual about stuff and I searched for a funny picture to post to give you an idea what it feels like. I have been unsuccessful in my search. So, imagine, if you will, wearing one of those doughnut-shaped floats around your chest. That will give you some idea what the sensation is like...except mine is more like a half doughnut. It's weeeeeeird. Last time this happened, it got so bad that I actually looked forward to seeing my surgeon come at me with something like this...

www.starsyringe.com

...and jab it in my chest. I don't think the syringe in the picture above is big enough but all of the pictures that show the actual type they used on me, come in pictures of them actually being used. Nobody wants to see that. Anywaaaaay, I'm not to the point that I'm feeling all dreamy about a big needle but I'm not comfortable. I'm still wrapped in the compression bandage (which I am now calling my "warm hug", in all of it's velcro and elastic glory), and I'm sure that's helping so no real complaints.  It could always be worse.

STRAIGHT TALK ALERT.

My drain site is looking a little better, though it still looks a lot like a wee GSW. It has sealed nicely and the angry skin around it is looking better. My back incision is still a little red around the edges but the worst parts are the areas that scabbed over. I've been treating them to try to soften them but it if I stretch a little to far...well...it kinda feels like that end of the incision is just going to pop loose and that whole flap is just going to fly off.  #plasticsurgeryproblems

My arrival and surgery time are confirmed. Once again, we will start early on Monday morning and I'll be on the table for 6 hours or so. I'll come out with 3 brand spanking new incisions over the 3/4 of my torso, 2 new foreign objects implanted (expanders, no foobs yet), 3 new SUCKY drains (no pun intended) and a catheter in my back. My goal is to maintain my really inappropriate sense of humor right up until I nod off and then showing my monitor to friends and family as soon as I can. If you're new to the blog, here's a picture of me showing my monitor prior to my mastectomy. It's become kind of a thing.  I think my husband and siblings see it as my version of "thumbs up" after surgery.

I could ramble on for a while longer but I will spare you for now. I'll write some more about my thoughts on the upcoming procedure and pull out some throwback posts.

Much love to all!
Andee

Dirty Little Secrets: Part II

I'm baaack!

I know you've been eagerly awaiting the next post in the Dirty Little Secrets Series. Well, wait no more, here it is!

This post is a bit of a first. I'm on the patio next to the fire pit typing this with my bluetooth keyboard and my phone. No computer was used in the composition of this message.  I'm enjoying the lovely weather while watching the kids play, the dog bite his toenails and the cats are doing whatever the cats want to do. I could get used to this.

Back to the post. We covered two secrets in Part I, right? Ok, so here we go with...

Dirty Little Secret #3 - Guilt

You read that correctly. Guilt. It's a thing. Like I've mentioned before, when you're diagnosed you end up making friends with other cancer patients. As a result, in addition to the fear, you can also feel guilt. What would there be to feel guilty about? Well, as odd as it might sound, lots of things. For example, I felt a little guilty because I seemed to tolerate chemo pretty well. It wasn't easy or fun, by any means, but I saw some of my treatment friends experience every side effect under the sun and some of them are quite unpleasant. Of course, not everyone I came into contact with was a breast cancer patient so they were on a very different cocktail than I was. That doesn't make you feel any less guilty.  You can find yourself feeling guilty for having a strong support system. Not everyone has that, but everyone NEEDS it. My family was with me every step of the way. I didn't have to worry whether my husband and kids would eat while I was in bed for days at a time. My employer and my co-workers were so supportive. I can't imagine going through that experience and having to worry about any of those things. Sadly, many women do. You can feel guilty for not being "sicker". You see your friends get bad news and you feel guilt because you haven't.  You don't want bad news but you can feel guilty. It's bizarre.  I could go on and on but you get the idea. 

Dirty Little Secret #4 - I might miss being "flat"

Seriously! I know that I don't want to look at the Franken-chest for the rest of my life but a little part of me will miss being able to take "The Girls" off at the end of the day. Think about it, ladies. If you could remove yours when it was convenient, like before exercise, would you do it?  Be honest.
In my current state, I have choices. I can choose to go completely without, or pick a size. I currently have 2 options. I have a small set and a medium set. It's quite nice. I don't think I'm going to skip reconstruction but I will miss having options. I'll probably complain the first time I try to sleep on my stomach, but I'll get over it...if not, I just won't say anything aloud. It will be another Dirty Little Secret. ;-)

Good night sweet friends!

Love to all,

Andee

I'm waiting

If you follow along on Facebook, you know that I received the results of my CT scan. I have not yet, however, spoken with my surgeon to find out what the findings mean (if anything) about the preferred procedure.  The good news is that they didn't mention that they saw anything out of the ordinary. Scans always bring on a bit of anxiety because you never know what they are going to see. I prayed for no surprises and so far, so good. The report indicated that organs looked normal, my heart looked normal and "grossly unremarkable". Nice.  There we comments on various arteries but I was looking for information on one artery. The one that needs to be FABULOUS for the surgery to be successful. The report states that the artery is open (that's good), appears normal (still good) but is of "small caliber" (maybe not so good).  Since I haven't spoken with my surgeon yet, I'm not sure if that is bad news and if it can/will impact the surgical plan. I'm fine with an artery of small caliber if it can maintain the necessary blood flow to the muscle when it's relocated. That's kind of important. I will be calling the surgeon's office tomorrow and I'm pretty sure there will be a follow up appointment. I will keep you posted.  I'm eager to hear the results because I'm not terribly excited about the possibility that the 20+ hour surgery might be my only option.  I'm not making any decisions until I have the word from the doc.
As always, I will keep you posted!

Love to all,
Andee

All is well...or is it?

At 11:30 last night I received notification that a new item had been added to my medical record.  Eek!

There is a lot of information there but the good news is that my heart is in the right place. Really. And apparently it is "grossly unremarkable". I gotta admit, that hurts a little.  

Anywaaaay...

So from what I can tell everything (in the area scanned) is as it should be EXCEPT the artery they were checking. (They really should send a Radiologist with the message).  I'm eager to hear from my surgeon but reading the results makes me concerned that she's going to say that my only option is going to be the 20 hour procedure. If that's the case, I'll have to take some time to think about that. Stay tuned.  

Love to all

Andee

What would you do?

Hello friends!
As you might imagine, I've had several conversations about the reconstruction plan over the past few days. I've received a lot of sympathetic looks, some grimaces and many folks asking if I was really going to go through with it. At this point, yes, I'm going through with it. I made some decisions early on in anticipation of having reconstruction done. Though I did consider skipping reconstruction after learning the details, I got over it. I will push through and rebuild because, Lord knows, I don't want to spend the rest of my hopefully long life looking at the chest only Frankenstein could love. It's not vanity, it's about feeling semi-normal. Mostly it's about having my clothes fit right. You have no idea how goofy I feel when I'm not wearing the fakes. I don't care that I'm flat. I care that women's clothes draw attention to the fact that I'm flat (lumpy or inverted is more like it....eek!) because there's extra fabric to make room for the girls. I was not a fan of looking like a 10 year old wearing my mom's shirts.

Ok, back on topic. Most of the people I've had any lengthy conversations with about this have said that they don't think they'd go through with it. I find that interesting. I think I have an idea why it's so easy for everyone to say they would skip the procedure. Wait...first let me remind you that I did go through a period when I was aggressively stating that I might not get it done. I wrote about it early on. I got over it. Yes, women's bodies are objectified and there's too much focus on "saving 2nd base" when it should be about saving lives. Let me give you my perspective now. I want two things. First, I want to feel like a whole person and, second, I don't want such a vivid reminder that I had cancer every dang time I get out of the shower. Imagine having to lock the bathroom door every time you change clothes because if anyone walks in on you by accident, you'll cause them to have nightmares for the rest of their life. I understand that they will forever look like FrankenBoobies, but I'm OK with that. I will add the scars to my ever-growing collection and come out smiling on the other side. Plus, I have to do this for my fellow pink ladies. If I don't go through it then what in the world will I blog about?  :-)  Once again, it's a public service.

I'm off to bed. We can talk again tomorrow.

Love to all,
Andee