7 days

I haven't posted in over a month? That's just wrong!  I started this post earlier this week. Sorry it has taken so long but I'm back and posting!

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It has been an interesting 7 days.  Life continues to throw surprises and tests our way and, believe it or not, even though we are old pros at this, you never get used to it.  I think we've gotten better at handling the curveballs (I'd like to think so, anyway) but dang! As always, I'm sharing my business in hopes of educating and motivating others to take their health seriously. Let's get started, shall we?

On Monday June 27, I was scheduled to visit my plastic surgeon's office for a fill. I arrived several minutes early so I sat in my car for a while. I was browsing some things on my phone and I took a minute to send Bobby this picture with a caption that said something like "This sounds about right." Little did I know...

 For some reason, before I got out of the car I checked my appointment card and realized that I was over an hour early. No big deal...better than an hour late, right? I went and grabbed some breakfast and came back. When I went inside they took me right in. I got changed and prepped for my regular needle sticks and expansion. When the nurse got ready to start she paused for a moment. She said she noticed something on my skin. She said she had never noticed it before. She grabbed a mirror and pointed it out to me. She asked if I had noticed it before. I told her that it may have been there but one of the things I haven't spent a lot of time doing over the past couple of years is looking at my chest.

She carried on with my fill but she seemed concerned. She was wonderful and after suggesting I get it checked out, she even attempted to get me in with the dermatology office across the street. Unfortunately, they were booked so she suggested that I return on Tuesday so Dr. Hall could look at it. So the appointment was made and I headed home. Was there some anxiety? Yes. Who am I kidding, there was fear. After checking out the spot I realized why she was so concerned about it. It fit all of the "worry if" criteria for melanoma. Not symmetrical, larger than a pencil eraser, etc.  The only thing that kept me from flipping out completely was the color. The shape and other characteristics looked a lot like the melanoma pictures I found - but it was lighter. Remember back in the early days of the blog, I talked about looking for the Silver Lining in everything...well, here's one for this experience. I kept telling myself that it didn't look EXACTLY like those pictures so I held out hope. I won't lie - at one point, there were some tears. It's not easy to deal with scares but I guess that's part of my life now. I allowed myself my time for self-pity and had my "how much is one person expected to take?" breakdown. Then I pulled myself together and faced the test.

I returned to the office @ 9 AM on Tuesday morning. Dr. Hall checked everything out and said she would never forgive herself if she didn't do a biopsy and it turned out to be something. That means scalpel and stitches. Luckily, I have no feeling in the skin in that area so she took the sample and stitched me up. Now it was time to wait. I won't take you through boring details of the next few days but let's just say I kept myself busy to keep that "what ifs" out of my head. I don't know how much you know about melanoma but it is not something you want. Scary, scary stuff.  Needless to say, it was a more stressful week than normal, but life must carry on.

On Friday afternoon, Dr. Hall called me personally to let me know that she had gotten the results back. I was a little scared at first because I feared that she didnt' want anyone else to give me the bad news. (And breathe....) She said she received the results and there was no cancer. At that moment I was pleasantly surprised and very happy!  I thanked her for calling and letting me know. About 15 seconds after I hung up the phone, the tears came. I knew I was worried, on some level, but I had no idea I would respond the way I did. It was like the gates opened and the emotion just flooded out. What a relief.

If you've been a follower for a while, you know I believe that life has a way of smacking you in the head to make you focus on what's important. This was my reminder that I need to get back to focusing on myself. I must look after myself first or I won't be strong enough to get through life's challenges, take care of my family and work at my best. So here we go with the "me first" campaign.  It's not selfish - it's about taking care of this one body that I've been given, as defective as it is, it's the only one I have.

So, my message to you is to make sure you get yourself screened. if there's a spot that doesn't seem right, get it checked out. Mammograms, colonoscopies, and all other screenings can be scary but they are nowhere near as bad as cancer treatment....trust me!!

Back soon!

Love to all,

Andee

What the WHAAAT?!

I haven't posted since April 26?!

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How the heck did THAT happen? Wait...I guess it could have something to do with the fact that I'm working full time, keeping 2 children alive, trying (but failing) to keep the house (somewhat) in order, going to PT twice a week and to the surgeon every 2 weeks. I'm worn out every night but according to my Band (did I mention I got a Microsoft Band 2 when my FitBit bit the dust - loving it!!!), even though I'm in bed for 6-8 hours, I'm getting roughly 1 hour of sound sleep per night. Now that I've said all that, you know what I'm not going to do? COMPLAIN!

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I am going to confess though. 

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I think I'm finally coming out of my "funk". I think I thought I was coming out of it the last time I posted it but it's been slow going. I think I mentioned it before but working has helped...a lot! I'm telling you, semi-retirement isn't all it's cracked up to be. Granted, I've been recovering from major surgery so I wasn't doing all of the fun stuff that retired folk might do, but from what I've experienced, I'm not going to like it. I tried. I really did. I colored, I read, I watched every show and movie that interested me on Netflix, Amazon and Hulu. I helped plot and plan our projects around the house. The biggest challenge was (and still is) my inability to get back to the workout regimen I had this time last year. I think that has pushed me back down into my funk. My mental state is so much better when I exercise, I'm still quite limited in what I can do with weights. I'm sure it will be get better in time but I may explode by the time that happens. I'm in the process of changing up the plan so I can get some exercise in that I can actually do without detaching a muscle or causing my back, arm and hand to fill with fluid. It's tricky!

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Walking is my safest bet but it just doesn't provide the satisfaction and results of weights. Oh, by the way, I can now answer my own question from a few months back...YES, when I attempt to do a traditional lat exercise, it does still work the muscle...which is now on my chest...but still attached in the back. Reading that sentence back, it even sounds confusing to me.

Anyway....

When last we spoke, I had just seen my plastic surgeon, I was preparing for an appointment with my oncologist and praying for that Friday to arrive quickly so I could go for my first physical therapy session. I'm happy to report that all went well at the oncology appointment. My blood work was good and he decided to modify my schedule again. He now only wants to see me every 4 months, instead of every 3 months. I know that's a good thing but I still have moments when I worry that it's too soon to take the training wheels off and send me out in to the big bad world on my own.  The good news is that I can relax for a (very brief) bit before the next appointment and required blood work. I won't lie to you, it's been over 2 years now and it doesn't ever get easier when it's test time. I have lovely, long periods of time when my mind is not consumed by the thought of recurrence but when appointment time comes around again, cue the scary thoughts!

I'm happy to report that I've completed 4 sessions of physical therapy and , though there has been soreness and some discomfort, we are already seeing progress. Breast-cancer-patient-friends, if you have scar tissue problems and or fluid issues, ask about PT! My physical therapist specializes in working with breast cancer patients. As I type, she is in Shanghai (yes, China) presenting at the World Cancer Congress. She's 50 kinds of awesome, people! If you're in Lexington, your plastic surgeons and oncologists probably know about her. If they don't, they should get on the bandwagon. Scar tissue and fluid may not sound like a big deal but I can tell you, if I had to live with that discomfort for much longer, I'm not sure what I would have done. I'm not anywhere near 100% yet but I can function. ASTYM is FABULOUS! We have more work to do but my range of motion is improving, the extreme tightness is slightly less extreme (it takes time). We are also working on lymph drainage to help with the fluid issues. I saw my PS again this week and she "only" pulled out about 125 cc of fluid. That's a significant improvement.  I've been wearing compression, as instructed. I'm not in the bodysuit just yet. I have my sleeve and my gauntlet (glove) but I haven't jumped in and purchased a "real" compression cami. I'm wearing a mild compression shirt under my clothes with an added foam pad for my back to help target the pressure. I seem to be doing ok with that but if I have to get drained again, I'll invest in the real thing. 

So, to summarize, things are moving along. I'm still recovering after 3 months, but I feel like I'm on a steady climb up. My guess is that right about the time I'm feeling pretty good about myself, it will be time to go under the knife, yet again. I'm through the hardest part of the hardest part of the journey so I can handle what comes next. A little (really a lot) of fat, some snug compression accessories, some fluid and some scar tissue won't keep me down. It just makes for a better story on the other side, when I fit, healthy, happy and somewhat whole again. 

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Love to all!

Andee

731

Good evening friends,

I'm not feeling too great so I considered not posting tonight, but HERE I AM! Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the day I found my lump. 731 days (there's an extra day because we had leap day this year!) and here I am. I will be acknowledging some additional milestones in pretty rapid succession. Things happened pretty quickly. Next up will be my diagnosaversary and the 2nd birthday of this blog.

So much has happened over the past two years and, looking back now, it has flown by. It seems like yesterday. I remember the early days very vividly. We'll revisit those days over the next couple of weeks but I want to say something to everyone who reads this. Here goes...

I wish that I could say that I'm the only person I know who was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 40s. I can name 4 other women right off the top of my head. Please, please, please do your monthly self exams. Please, please, please get your mammograms. Please, please, please do not follow the guidelines that say you can wait until 50 to start getting annual mammograms. Talk to your doctor, take control of your own health and care. Really!

I know things have been a little more serious than normal on here recently - certainly more clinical. Well, that ends today. Today, my friend Deadpool would like to share a message with all the ladies out there. Guys, feel free to share this with the ladies in your life.  This just might save someones life!

Love to all,
Andee

Dirty Little Secrets - Part I

Yes, I have some dirty little secrets.

SCANDALOUS!

Not really, because I'm just about as boring a human being as anyone has ever met. But, as often happens here on the blog, I'm going to share with you...my friends...the things I don't ever talk about. It's not about pride or anything like that. I just don't like to focus on the more challenging aspects of being a cancer patient. The treatment experience had its challenges but all of those were expected. The post-treatment world presents me with something new on a regular basis. I don't want anyone facing the Big C, in whatever form, thinking that treatment ends and life returns to normal. It's not awful, it's just different. I believe that attitude plays an even more important role after treatment but I find it more of a challenge to focus on the positive. That sounds much more depressing than it should. Let me explain.
Tonight we will cover two.

Dirty Little Secret #1 - Anxiety

It sneaks up on you. You find yourself stressing about all manner of things. I tend to get anxious about recurrence. I went through a phase a few months back where I thought about cancer every minute of every day. I'm not even exaggerating. It was a pretty dark period. When you have that level of anxiety it begins to take its toll on you physically. I would have moments in the day when I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. It felt as if someone wrapped a band around my chest and pulled it tight. It got a bit scary. At the time, I kept thinking "oh dear, it's in my lungs!". (For those who don't know, when breast cancer travels, it tends to go the brain, liver, bones or lungs). I "knew" it. The next time I saw my doctor I asked him about recurrence and what to look for, etc. We had a great talk and he put me at ease. I also put myself back in the mental space where I decided I would focus on what I could control and the rest would be in God's hands. The symptoms went away instantly.  INSTANTLY!

It happened again in the days leading up to my CT last week. As I mentioned, any sort of scan or test ramps up the worry. "Will they find something?" I had pain in my chest (surgical area, not heart), my neck was stiff, I felt a milder version of the "band around the chest" sensation I mentioned before. I realized this time that is was probably anxiety but that didn't make it go away. I received my results on Friday night and woke up on Saturday feeling like a whole new person.

I'm sure this cycle will repeat itself for the rest of my life. Each time I'm getting a little better and dealing with it. I can only speak for myself but I think this is probably quite normal. If you're dealing with it, talk about it, address it. Carrying it all around and trying to deal with it on your own might not be enough. I have a great husband who serves as my listener/therapist but I'm not afraid to go pro if I feel like it's necessary. If that happens, y'all would know about it.   ;-)

Dirty Little Secret #2 - Pain

I don't talk about this at all. In the past few days I've mentioned it to a couple of people but typically I just deal with it and accept that it is part of my life now. My surgical site, specifically my left side (the lymph node side) hurts. The site of incision is numb but the area under my arm and down my side hurts all day every day. It's tender to the touch, and by that I mean if I sleep on my left side for a lengthy period, I'll be sore for days. and sometimes it's just bad. For me, it's unpleasant and can be very painful but I don't need medication. I accept it and tolerate it. Most days aren't so bad but it's always there. Today it's achy and a mild burning pain. I'll spare you the technical explanation but nerves can be damaged during the mastectomy and about half of all women who have had a mastectomy will experience Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome...yes it has a name. Though I had a bilateral mastectomy, I only have pain on the left. Thank you for small favors!

Remember, everything isn't perfect. Cancer sucks. Treatment sucks. Side effects suck. BUT

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!

Back tomorrow.

Love to all,

Andee