The letter - Part I

Dear Andee 2014,

You don't know it yet, but your life is about to change. On the evening of March 15, 2014 you are going to find a lump in your left breast. Because it's a Saturday, you're going to stress about it until Monday morning when you can call the doctor. You will suffer silently because you're not ready to tell anyone...not even your husband. Some part of you believes that if you don't say it aloud, it won't be real. You'll keep telling yourself that most lumps are nothing...but your gut continues to tell you that's not true for you. The lump is not small. You will keep trying to convince yourself that you were obsessive about self exams so it can't be cancer.  You checked regularly. You will get online and do research. You'll find multiple articles that say breast cancer doesn't hurt. That's somehow comforting because you have had pain. You will attribute that discomfort to an ill-fitting bra.  When you wake on Monday morning, you will feel sick. Nerves...all nerves.  You will opt to stay home from work. You will decide to tell your husband what you found and that you're calling to make an appointment to get it checked. You will try to assure him that it's probably nothing but it's best to get checked and know for sure. You contact your boss and HR  director at work and explain the situation...what's making you feel sick. They are understanding and supportive (and will continue to to be, well beyond this day).  You contact the doctor's office and let them know what you've found. They schedule an appointment for you on Wednesday. Ugh! Two more days of waiting but at least you are doing something. You will do what you always do - you will throw yourself into work and anything that can keep your mind occupied. You are one stubborn old b#@ch...good thing though, because you are about to be tested.

to be continued...

The Journey Continues

I'm starting this post at 11:57 so it will still qualify as an anniversary post. Yay me!

Before I get started, I just want to share something with you. I purchased a dress last fall that I intended to be my Easter dress. It isn't anything showstopping, but I liked it. It's been hanging in my closet for months. I was excited to get it out this morning but there was a problem. Just like every other woman on the planet, I took a deep breath and hoped that my weight wasn't so out of control that the dress wouldn't fit. I pulled it over my head and all seemed to be well. Then it came time to zip it up. Oh boy. Let me explain something real quick. This isn't one of those dresses that zips up the back, or buttons up the front. Nope, this one has a relatively small zipper on the side that runs from the waist up under the arm. So, everything was looking pretty good until it came time to zip. The first few inches (waist) zipped right up. Beyond that, things were challenging. For a moment I was on the verge of tears but then it hit me. My dress didn't fit because my chest was too big! Yes friends, I'm almost busty! (Just a note: Yes, I realize that the part, if not most, of the problem is the gallon of fluid I'm carrying around but let's just let me let myself believe that my bosom is the culprit. Thank you). Luckily, I had another option but who would have thought I would get a warm and fuzzy feeling from a dress not fitting?  It's a miracle, indeed.

Two years ago today, the last thing I was worried about was how my clothes would fit. I had been dealing with the prospect of cancer for almost two weeks but it's a whole different ballgame once it's confirmed. After the diagnosis, things moved very quickly. 2 1/2 weeks after diagnosis I had a bilateral mastectomy. Thirty days later I started treatment - chemo and radiation would carry me through until December 17, 2014. I had a bit of a break in 2015 (infusions every 3 weeks until July and one surgical procedure) but 2015 was a more challenging year, especially on an emotional level. I spent the first 3 months of the year busting my behind to lose the weight I gained during treatment. I lost most of it and then, due to some happenings in my circle of cancer friends, I slipped into a bit of a funk. It was not a good time. I won't bore you with the details but I fell off the wagon, started eating my emotions and started gaining weight. Nothing like being borderline depressed and then reverse all of the hard work that you did. That does a real number on your self confidence. I was able to pull myself out of the funk (cancer stopped being on my mind 24/7) and I was on the upswing. The end of 2015 was all about preparing for 2016. The year of reconstruction. I knew I was going to be off work so I was trying to wrap things up there while trying to prepare for the downtime tied to the first two surgeries, which happened within 21 days. I'm pushing through the frustration of not being able to do much and that is SOOOOOO difficult for me. Every time I get really frustrated, I remind myself how blessed I am. The pain, challenging recovery and the frustration are only temporary.

So here we are, 2 years on from the day that changed my life. Regardless of what happens I'm still here, I still have a fighting spirit and my goal is still to help provide support to as many people as I can. To all of my Pink Sisters (and any other cancer ribbons...all are welcome!) who are just beginning their journey, I promise you will find strength you never thought you had. You will be humbled by the level of support you receive from those who love you, you will feel fear, you will feel ugly, you will cry, you will laugh and you will learn far more than you expect. Soon, you will be one of us....one of those crazy women. One of the ones who says that cancer sucks but, in some strange way, they feel blessed to have gone through the experience. I am not the same person I was on this day 2 years ago. I am stronger, I am more appreciative of the little things in life, I have a burning desire to make a difference (I'm still figuring out how to put that into practice) and I remember that I need to put myself first (work in progress).

I have more to say but I'm tired so I'm signing off.  Before I go, let me say thank you. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you for your comments, your calls, your messages...every kind of support makes a big difference.

Much love to all!
Andee

Dirty Little Secrets: Part II

I'm baaack!

I know you've been eagerly awaiting the next post in the Dirty Little Secrets Series. Well, wait no more, here it is!

This post is a bit of a first. I'm on the patio next to the fire pit typing this with my bluetooth keyboard and my phone. No computer was used in the composition of this message.  I'm enjoying the lovely weather while watching the kids play, the dog bite his toenails and the cats are doing whatever the cats want to do. I could get used to this.

Back to the post. We covered two secrets in Part I, right? Ok, so here we go with...

Dirty Little Secret #3 - Guilt

You read that correctly. Guilt. It's a thing. Like I've mentioned before, when you're diagnosed you end up making friends with other cancer patients. As a result, in addition to the fear, you can also feel guilt. What would there be to feel guilty about? Well, as odd as it might sound, lots of things. For example, I felt a little guilty because I seemed to tolerate chemo pretty well. It wasn't easy or fun, by any means, but I saw some of my treatment friends experience every side effect under the sun and some of them are quite unpleasant. Of course, not everyone I came into contact with was a breast cancer patient so they were on a very different cocktail than I was. That doesn't make you feel any less guilty.  You can find yourself feeling guilty for having a strong support system. Not everyone has that, but everyone NEEDS it. My family was with me every step of the way. I didn't have to worry whether my husband and kids would eat while I was in bed for days at a time. My employer and my co-workers were so supportive. I can't imagine going through that experience and having to worry about any of those things. Sadly, many women do. You can feel guilty for not being "sicker". You see your friends get bad news and you feel guilt because you haven't.  You don't want bad news but you can feel guilty. It's bizarre.  I could go on and on but you get the idea. 

Dirty Little Secret #4 - I might miss being "flat"

Seriously! I know that I don't want to look at the Franken-chest for the rest of my life but a little part of me will miss being able to take "The Girls" off at the end of the day. Think about it, ladies. If you could remove yours when it was convenient, like before exercise, would you do it?  Be honest.
In my current state, I have choices. I can choose to go completely without, or pick a size. I currently have 2 options. I have a small set and a medium set. It's quite nice. I don't think I'm going to skip reconstruction but I will miss having options. I'll probably complain the first time I try to sleep on my stomach, but I'll get over it...if not, I just won't say anything aloud. It will be another Dirty Little Secret. ;-)

Good night sweet friends!

Love to all,

Andee

What the heck?!

I can handle waking up in the wee hours of the morning (today it was 2:30/3ish) - this is an issue that pre-dates treatment.  I do, however, have an issue with waking up at that hour hungry...no, starving! Surely this is not a steroid thing. Ugh. I haven't eaten yet but breakfast should be interesting.

This seems to be going by so quickly

It's time for another one of those "silver linings". For a number of reasons (which I'm sure I will blog about at some point) it's terribly annoying to sleep days at time but, as always, I try to find the upside of every situation. The upside here is that with weekly treatments, this round seems to be flying by! I'm getting ready for number 3 and that means I'll only have 9 more to go. Already? Really??

So, let's do a side effect check as we roll through the end of week 2.

• Off the nausea meds for the week. I'll start back up on Tuesday. Did I mention I was down to one prescription instead of two. This is GREAT news.
• I have ended up with another (very small) "irritation" in my mouth. Still manageable so I can't complain.
• The inside of my nose is INSANELY dry. I'll try not to gross anyone out but it's bad dry. I've been snorting saline like you wouldn't believe and have even resorted to putting some Vaseline in my nose. I've had some minor bloody nose issues but, again, taking care of it so more of an irritation than anything.
• My hands and feet are still nice and dark. My right hand is the worst of the bunch. My sister told me it looked like I'd had a hand transplant.  I talked to the nurse about it on Wednesday and she said that, yes, it's a side effect of the chemo. She checked out my hands and said I was lucky (so far) because some people's fingernails turn dark. Wait...what?!?  The would just take the cake, right?!
• I haven't noticed any neuropathy (tingling and/or pain) in my hands or feet this time around. This is GREAT news. This particular side effect can be "mild and irritating" all the way up to "painful and permanent".  Let's pray for no neuropathy!
• What am I leaving out???  Oh! Chemo Brain seems to be improving just a tad. I still have a thought, take two steps and forget what the thought was BUT it just seems better (just go with me on this one).
• Hair update - what I have is definitely longer but the bare spots don't seem to filling in just yet. Seriously? I bet I'm going to have to end up trimming the fuzz or I'll look like Fire Marshal Bill.   

After my marathon sleep (Thursday-Friday), my babies came home on Friday. Bless their little hearts,I miss them so much when they're not here. They are getting to do some fun stuff. I hope this is a summer they remember because of the time with their grandparents, golf outings and swim lessons and not because Mommy slept through most of it. 

It is way past my bed time so I'm gonna go but I hope to get to those RRT posts tomorrow. 

In the meantime, please say a prayer for a very dear friend and her mother (and entire family). Mom is dealing with health challenges right now and they could use all of the prayers, good vibes and happy thoughts you can spare to lift them up and support them. Say it with me, "Cancer Sucks!"

Love to all,

Andee

And the total so far is...

21 hours of sleep (estimate) since 8:00 Thursday night and it doesn't feel like I'm done yet. This is insane.

Wow!

Fell asleep again and woke up @ 6:20. My hubby and babies are home so I'm going to catch up with them and then I'll post. I have a feeling I'll be awake for a while. Lol

5 more hours of sleep with more to come

Time for breakfast, to check on my fur babies, stroll for a bit and then maybe, just maybe, another post before more sleep. See what I mean? CRAZY sleep cycle.

7 hours of sleep and more to come

Happy early morning to you, friends. I'm (barely) awake and will try to remain that way for a few minutes to squeeze in a post. The steroids have finally left the building so I was able to hang on until about 8PM last night before going to bed. I woke up (like I frequently do) in the 3 AM hour. I'm still sleepy (which is a fabulous thing) so I'll be going to back to sleep once this post is finished. It's the little things...right?
So, a few updates. Let's review side effects for this round.

• Benadryl haze - day 1. I finally figured out I needed to use this to my advantage. The goal is to go to sleep immediately after I get home from treatment. It allows me to get some "bonus" sleep before the Benadryl wears off and the steroids then keep me awake for a day.
• Fatigue is still, by far, the worst of the side effects. Let me update that, it's not the worst, it has the biggest impact, the most disruptive. The worst would be unending pain or nausea, etc. You get what I mean here. It makes me a little useless. The hardest part for me is that while I'm useless, I spend most of my time sleeping and my children need supervision. My parents have been so fabulous about taking care of my precious babies for days at a time. They are keeping them entertained, active, loved and possibly a bit spoiled. My in laws have helped too. We are so blessed to have the level of support that we do. It's just very hard for me to be away from my babies for the majority of the week. If it wasn't for FaceTime, I would go crazy. As always, I remind myself that this is only temporary, they are having fun (though they miss us too), and they are spending time with family and doing things they wouldn't normally get to do. I'm happy to report that yesterday was dance class day so they came home to visit. My mom helped with the kiddos, dad mowed the grass then Bobby and his dad worked on the "kiddos surprise" after work. I fell asleep before they were done but they are moving right along. Also, we're continuing to get meal help from family - SUCH a blessing.  Anyway....lots of support, lots of love and TONS of appreciation for everyone who has stepped to assist while I play Sleeping Judy.
  I know....I "squirreled" a bit there so let's get back to side effects.
• No mouth sores so far this week. YIPEEE!!! Last week's is healed and gone.
• No joint pain, as of yet.
• Eyes are still watering
• Hair situation - I still think the hair that's there is growing but it's not quite filling in yet. I'll keep you posted. ;-)

Thanks to everyone who checks in via FB or text. With the exception of treatment, I don't really leave the house much. Bobby does his best to get me out for a short trip for ice cream or something (he's awesome, by the way, have I mentioned that?) just to get me a change of scenery. It's nice to hear from friends and family from time to time. **Please don't take the reference about not leaving the house as a negative. I love it here. It makes me happy and I feel at ease. I think of it like a resort. It's quiet, I have my furbabies to hang out with, I spend time sitting on the patio, reading (when awake), I walk the driveway to make sure I keep moving per dr orders.  My immune system situation has been OK so far but my deep need for no treatment delays keeps us as cautious as we can be. So far, so good! Plus, there's not a lot of opportunity to get out when you're sleeping for several days...well you know the story.

Well, it's time for me to go back to sleep for a few more hours. 

Love to all!

Andee

Time to hibernate