The Journey Continues

I'm starting this post at 11:57 so it will still qualify as an anniversary post. Yay me!

Before I get started, I just want to share something with you. I purchased a dress last fall that I intended to be my Easter dress. It isn't anything showstopping, but I liked it. It's been hanging in my closet for months. I was excited to get it out this morning but there was a problem. Just like every other woman on the planet, I took a deep breath and hoped that my weight wasn't so out of control that the dress wouldn't fit. I pulled it over my head and all seemed to be well. Then it came time to zip it up. Oh boy. Let me explain something real quick. This isn't one of those dresses that zips up the back, or buttons up the front. Nope, this one has a relatively small zipper on the side that runs from the waist up under the arm. So, everything was looking pretty good until it came time to zip. The first few inches (waist) zipped right up. Beyond that, things were challenging. For a moment I was on the verge of tears but then it hit me. My dress didn't fit because my chest was too big! Yes friends, I'm almost busty! (Just a note: Yes, I realize that the part, if not most, of the problem is the gallon of fluid I'm carrying around but let's just let me let myself believe that my bosom is the culprit. Thank you). Luckily, I had another option but who would have thought I would get a warm and fuzzy feeling from a dress not fitting?  It's a miracle, indeed.

Two years ago today, the last thing I was worried about was how my clothes would fit. I had been dealing with the prospect of cancer for almost two weeks but it's a whole different ballgame once it's confirmed. After the diagnosis, things moved very quickly. 2 1/2 weeks after diagnosis I had a bilateral mastectomy. Thirty days later I started treatment - chemo and radiation would carry me through until December 17, 2014. I had a bit of a break in 2015 (infusions every 3 weeks until July and one surgical procedure) but 2015 was a more challenging year, especially on an emotional level. I spent the first 3 months of the year busting my behind to lose the weight I gained during treatment. I lost most of it and then, due to some happenings in my circle of cancer friends, I slipped into a bit of a funk. It was not a good time. I won't bore you with the details but I fell off the wagon, started eating my emotions and started gaining weight. Nothing like being borderline depressed and then reverse all of the hard work that you did. That does a real number on your self confidence. I was able to pull myself out of the funk (cancer stopped being on my mind 24/7) and I was on the upswing. The end of 2015 was all about preparing for 2016. The year of reconstruction. I knew I was going to be off work so I was trying to wrap things up there while trying to prepare for the downtime tied to the first two surgeries, which happened within 21 days. I'm pushing through the frustration of not being able to do much and that is SOOOOOO difficult for me. Every time I get really frustrated, I remind myself how blessed I am. The pain, challenging recovery and the frustration are only temporary.

So here we are, 2 years on from the day that changed my life. Regardless of what happens I'm still here, I still have a fighting spirit and my goal is still to help provide support to as many people as I can. To all of my Pink Sisters (and any other cancer ribbons...all are welcome!) who are just beginning their journey, I promise you will find strength you never thought you had. You will be humbled by the level of support you receive from those who love you, you will feel fear, you will feel ugly, you will cry, you will laugh and you will learn far more than you expect. Soon, you will be one of us....one of those crazy women. One of the ones who says that cancer sucks but, in some strange way, they feel blessed to have gone through the experience. I am not the same person I was on this day 2 years ago. I am stronger, I am more appreciative of the little things in life, I have a burning desire to make a difference (I'm still figuring out how to put that into practice) and I remember that I need to put myself first (work in progress).

I have more to say but I'm tired so I'm signing off.  Before I go, let me say thank you. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you for your comments, your calls, your messages...every kind of support makes a big difference.

Much love to all!
Andee

I am SO not used to these things

Howdy blog friends!

Happy Friday to you! I thought I would stop by for a quick update. I won't bore you with fluid talk - though there has been a lot of it and it got a bit painful - but I will tell you that I had to go in for an unplanned, but much needed, aspiration. My scheduled appointment was not until the 29th, but if I had waited that long, I'm pretty sure I might have exploded. Seriously.

Anyway, I went in for the aspiration and SURPRISE, I got some fluid added to my expanders. Yes, I finally got that fill. And OH what a fill it was!  As a reminder, for those of you just joining us, during reconstruction, tissue expanders are inserted under the muscle in the chest. Expanders are essentially empty implants. Fluid is gradually added to the expanders in order to stretch the skin and muscle to make room for the future implant. In case you missed it or have forgotten, they look like this...

Again, they have a nifty little port in them so the doctor can insert a needle and fill those suckers up! I want you have an idea how much of a change I've undergone in the past 6 weeks. I'm sure you noticed that I complained about pain and discomfort a lot more than usual after this surgery. You might have a better understanding once you see where I started versus where I am now. Again, the pictures are always PG but there will have to be reference photos. Check the Viewers Discretion Advised page later if you want to feel the pain.  :-)

Sorry, back to expanders...here's how they expand!

They have a nifty little port in them that allows the doctor to inject fluid in them and fill 'em up. This is done gradually. Enough fluid gets added so that the skin and tissue are stretched. There is a magnet (I think) in the port because they wave a little wand over each one to find the port, then they stick the needle in and start adding. The needle isn't bad. It's a tiny little stick (no numbing for that one) but the sensation when they are filling them is an interesting one. I will get another fill up on the 29th and will continue to go every week or two to get fluid added until we reach the appropriate size - when we have enough space for the implant. At this point, my crappy skin seems to be holding up well with the expansion. Nothing has popped open yet, so that's definitely a plus!

I have felt some discomfort and a muscle spasm here and there but manageable so far. I felt the most discomfort when I woke up this morning. I think I tried to roll over during the night. OUCHIE! So the discomfort is tolerable and the change in my chest size over the past few weeks is, well, let's just say it's significant. 

So, things are going as expected so far. The fluid has been a nuisance but nothing I can't handle. The expansion pain is there but, again, nothing I can't handle. I just keep reminding myself that the Frankenboobs are going to look so much better and the pain is only temporary. 

Finally, just a note.  I have been contacted by a few people over the past several weeks - some letting me know that they had been recently diagnosed or that someone they know has. As always, if anyone has any questions, feel free to contact me directly. There is a link on the main page of the blog, I've also got the Facebook page, where you can send direct messages. If you would rather just read, that's fine too! On the main page of the blog, you'll find the Blog Archive at the bottom on the right hand side. You can read from the beginning by selecting 2014 and go to March. I literally posted my first entry on the day my diagnosis was confirmed. I've shared it all. 

Rest easy everyone!

Love to all,

Andee

731

Good evening friends,

I'm not feeling too great so I considered not posting tonight, but HERE I AM! Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the day I found my lump. 731 days (there's an extra day because we had leap day this year!) and here I am. I will be acknowledging some additional milestones in pretty rapid succession. Things happened pretty quickly. Next up will be my diagnosaversary and the 2nd birthday of this blog.

So much has happened over the past two years and, looking back now, it has flown by. It seems like yesterday. I remember the early days very vividly. We'll revisit those days over the next couple of weeks but I want to say something to everyone who reads this. Here goes...

I wish that I could say that I'm the only person I know who was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 40s. I can name 4 other women right off the top of my head. Please, please, please do your monthly self exams. Please, please, please get your mammograms. Please, please, please do not follow the guidelines that say you can wait until 50 to start getting annual mammograms. Talk to your doctor, take control of your own health and care. Really!

I know things have been a little more serious than normal on here recently - certainly more clinical. Well, that ends today. Today, my friend Deadpool would like to share a message with all the ladies out there. Guys, feel free to share this with the ladies in your life.  This just might save someones life!

Love to all,
Andee

Same Post, Different Day

Hi everyone!

I'm back. I've tried to spare you from reading the same thing over and over but, alas, here I am to post much of the same. I figure any update is good, right?

So, as you read on the 23rd, I had fluid drained, no fluid added and I received some new stitches. On the 8th, I went back, had fluid drained again (I am wicked good at making tumors/cysts and fluid...it's a gift). The stitches came out (woohoo) but still no fluid in. Just not quite ready yet. Radiated skin sucks...yada yada yada.

Sadly, the fluid is already back. It only took about 48 hours to have the waterbed effect again. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so gifted.  I'm not scheduled to go back until the 29th, but if I get too uncomfortable, I'll see if I can get in early and get jabbed with some needles!

I'm almost 6 weeks out from surgery #2 and it is still very challenging. In addition to the fluid and the fact that I'm still getting used to the foreign bodies in my chest, I'm still limited with what I can do, especially on my left side. Things as simple as pushing myself up off the couch - can't really do it with my left arm. The muscle is still attached in the back so if you move in such a way that the muscle is engaged, it's very uncomfortable. I can feel the pull all the way around. I have trouble getting out of the tub, getting in Bobby's truck...it's a bit tall for me so I have to pull on the handle to get up in it. It's kind of humorous to watch me try to get in. I have to pull up with my right arm. Try that sometime. Talk about awkward. Driving is a challenge. I usually drive primarily with my left hand. It's like trying to write with your other hand - it's weird!

I'm slow to heal this time around and it's been humbling. For once in my life, I'm trying not to overdo it and I'm listening to my doctor, my husband and family. I don't want any setbacks so I'm continuing to work my way through my coloring books and my crossword puzzle app.

I have to go get my babies to bed. Have a great night everyone. Back soon!

P.S. New pic in the Viewer Discretion Advised section. If you don't like scars and stitches, don't look. Otherwise, it's safe.

Love to all!
Andee

Fluid Out, Stitches In...

**Warning: we're going to talk fluid aspiration, scabs, scalpels, etc. If that doesn't interest you, turn back now. You have been warned. 

Good evening and welcome to Tuesday!

I am overjoyed to report that the waterbed is gone! Once again, Dr. Hall and Julie took great care of me and worked together to drain a bucket (not really) of fluid off of my back. Instant relief is a lovely thing.  I filled a 30 ml syringe (the big one in the middle of the tray) and overflowed into the bag of saline. I am a fluid making MACHINE!

It was decided that nothing would be added to the expanders today, and I'm SOOO OK with that. As a result, the stick count was nice and low. One shot in the back to numb and then one to remove that jug (not really) of fluid. Didn't feel a thing for that one! After the fluid was drained, she checked my left side and worked on some of the scabs (translation: removed them). I had one that was still quite large, considering we're 3 weeks post-op. It looked a little interesting, like it was already loose in the middle. She whipped out the tweezers, scissors and the scalpel and went to work. Once she got it uncovered, she decided to stitch me up a bit. We knew it was coming, folks, so don't worry. Remember, my skin is like crepe paper (not really) after radiation so we expected some stitching. The stitching didn't even require any numbing because I'm numb already! Weirdest thing though, about 30 minutes later I was sore. WHAT?!  Yep. I took some Advil when I got home that helped.

So, for now, the plan is to go back in a couple of weeks and get that fill. I'm hoping the healing will continue, the stitches will do their thing, and that my mobility and ability to use my left arm to do more, continues to improve. Don't worry, I won't overdo it. You know I don't have time for any setbacks!

It's time for me to go doctor my incision and get some rest.

Love to all!
Andee

Needles, needles everywhere...again

Hi friends!

I'm getting ready to try to get some rest but I thought I'd stop in and ask for some good vibes for tomorrow. I can handle needles but I estimate that I'm going to get stuck as many as 8 times tomorrow. That's a high end estimate. I doubt it will be that many but aspirate all 3 surgical sites (could be just one but you never know....there's fluid all over the place), that's 3 sticks, plus 3 more sticks if they numb those areas before aspirating and THEN there will be 2 sticks for the expander fills.  I'll give you a final count after tomorrow afternoon's visit but that should be the top end.



I'm not thrilled about all of the needles but I'm looking forward to having someone drain the damn waterbed off of my back. If it wasn't so gross, I would post a video, but I can poke on my side and a section of my back from side to my spine and about 5 inches from top to bottom, moves like a waterbed. It's crazy!

I know that's totally disgusting, but I had to do it. It's just like that! It doesn't make all that noise but the rest is spot on. lol



I'm also looking forward to some of the pressure being relieved. I feel like I'm wearing a really tight inner tube and it's like it's going to pop open any minute. The left side of my chest is quite impressive at the moment. It's mostly fluid and swelling from the surgery and the (buff) muscle that hasn't started to atrophy yet. It's more than a handful! That's pretty impressive considering that 3 weeks ago it was a crater.  I was about to say it will deflate a bit tomorrow if fluid is removed, but she's putting some back in, so we'll see what happens.



Wish me luck, friends.



Love to all,

Andee

The song of the day - My Seroma

Sing with me!

My Seroma!





Today has been rough. My seroma(s) have taken over. My back feels a whole lot like a waterbed when you push on it.  Gross, I know, but we're all about the really real stuff here, remember. I have had the compression bandage on and off but the situation is still ugly. There is a bit of pain, lots of discomfort and, of course, a good amount of pressure. Don't think I haven't considered popping a straw into the hole left by my drain tube. I wouldn't really do it but I've thought about it.

At this point, I just need to make it through until Tuesday afternoon and then I can get some of this stuff pulled out before she fills up the expanders. What a fun day that's going to be, don't you think?  :-)