Chemo side effects are NOT going gently into that good night...

Hello friends,
I'm getting ready to take a much needed morning nap but I thought I would stop by and update you since I've been a bit quiet this weekend. I am still celebrating the end of chemo but this stuff is sure trying to go out with bang and not a whimper.  Here's the tally for the this round.

• Fatigue, fatigue, fatigue...not only can I fall asleep at any moment, I've almost nodded off when I WASN'T trying. DAAAANG!!!
• My stomach has not been happy this weekend. No nausea meds needed but ewww...just ewww.
• Neuropathy in my feet has been the worst yet. Such a bizarre and annoying sensation.
• Some neuropathy in my hands this time...and they feel like sausages! It's weird. They are a bit puffy but they feel huge and weird. Ready for this to pass...I do not like it at all!
• My fingernails hurt. I'm hoping my nails don't drop off but man, my nail beds are sore. Crazy!!

Well Chemo, you can play dirty all you want. I'm still finished with you and I will continue to smile. SO THERE!!

Nap time!!

Love to all,
Andee

Breast cancer...aren't you scared?

Right now, the easy answer is no. Really. Now, let's go back a few months and get real. I've been honest about the number of times I've cried over my diagnosis...I think the count is 3.

• When I called Bobby to tell him I had found something
• When I LOST MY MIND while waiting on the biopsy results
• The day we told the family.

The day I "lost my mind" was pretty terrifying. I was scared. There's no other way to explain it. I kept it together through the testing (have I mentioned that I knew I had breast cancer in the first 10 minutes of my tests without anyone telling me?  That's an interesting story). I do well with facts and knowns. At the end of the full day of testing, I had a consultation with a nurse who explained next steps. I was fine until she said that the biopsy results would tell us the type of cancer, the growth rate and if it started in the breast or came from somewhere else. I wasn't ready for that - the part about the cancer being somewhere else, not the other stuff.  I then had to wait 24 hours for the results. So what sticks in my head during that whole time? Do I have a crazy source tumor lurking somewhere else? If I do, how long has it been growing? What will I do if they tell me that I have only months left to live? My kids need me! Yes, friends, your constantly upbeat, hard headed, laughing, tough cancer buddy went to Jello. I could not process that I was "fine" 24 hours before but could find out that I was terminal 24 hours later. Sadly, my dear husband, who had come home from work at my request, had to witness this whole "come apart". It was not pretty. I remember being curled up on the floor, crying and telling him I didn't want them to tell me it was and that I only had months. Cancer is a CRAZY thing.
As you know by now, I did not have a source tumor anywhere else. The cancer started where we found it and you can go back and read the rest of the blog posts if you need more detail than that.  :-)
For now, I'm in a very different place. I'm getting through treatment and planning as if I'm going to complete the heavy stuff before the end of the year, move on to maintenance/prevention and hope that I never have to deal with this again. On the other hand, I'm realistic. There is always a chance that it could come back or show up in another location. No guarantees but I'm really not scared. None of us are guaranteed any time and you could sit around all day everyday and fear everything. You would never leave the house or do anything adventurous. You can't live like that. I'm not going to waste time worrying about "what if". I'll worry about it if they say, "We've found something."  Until then, I have a family to care for and a life to live. Why in the world would I waste time with worrying and miss out on what's here and now and WONDERFUL?!?

Have a blessed day my friends, life is beautiful. Don't miss out!

Love to all,
Andee

I do not want to be called a "survivor"

This isn't going to be as depressing as it sounds, I promise. I'm just sharing my honest, realistic and personal opinion on this particular topic. That's what you come here for, right? So what's my problem with the "survivor" label? I'm not sure that I have a general problem with it, it's more of a personal choice to NOT have it used in my situation. Here are a few reasons why.

• I have a fear of jinxes so just don't call me a survivor. It's a thing...I know, it's probably not rational but work with me here.
• The word tends to make people think that you won some battle. That the worst is over and behind you. Sadly, once you are diagnosed with cancer it  becomes a part of your life forever. It's not as if I end chemo, wrap up radiation in a few months, have a scan and live happily ever after. Even if there is no evidence of disease at that time, I have treatment that will continue through next summer and medication to take for the next 5 years. There will be follow up appointments and scans which will put me on edge and in a stressful waiting period to find out if I'm still "clean".  I have more surgeries to look forward to. The treatments themselves can cause secondary cancers down the road, and my risk increases simply because I'm "younger". I know that may sound all doom and gloom but I'm still smiling and dancing because I'm in control of the things I can control, I'm educated about the things that I can't and I have no intention to become negative at any point. I know what the risks are and knowing is half the battle. You can call me a fighter, warrior...whatever...because I will fight for my own health and to help and educate others so they, too, can fight. Just don't use the S word.
• I worry that the use of the term survivor can cause pain for those who have lost loved ones. It makes it seem as if the message is that a survivor had a stronger will, fought harder, blah blah blah.  There are plenty of people who "lost their battle" with cancer (I hate that phrase, too, by the way) who fought hard, had positive attitudes and did everything they could to fight this ugly, ugly disease. It's not a contest, people. I know "survivor stories" make people feel better but are we focusing on the details? Some types of cancer of more survivable. I had the option to tell my doctor to remove the affected body part - not everyone has that option. That makes the playing field quite uneven. Some cancers can hide and not cause symptoms until they are quite advanced. There were no lumps to be found, there was no pain, there was not screening test. Do you see where I'm going?? As you know, I'm all about the positive - if you've read any of my previous posts, that should be pretty evident, but think about the big picture. Do survivor stories feel good to everyone? I don't think so. Warrior stories are just as important - warrior stories are about the fight itself, not the perceived winning or losing. If you have been touched by this disease personally or if a loved one has been diagnosed, that fact that you're fighting is admirable and a badge of honor. Cancer is scary, treatment can be even scarier. If your cancer doesn't respond to treatment or if you were clear and have a recurrence, you are still badass!!! You are not weak, you are not a lesser person, you are probably tougher than most and I will call you warrior! If you have a loved one battling this disease or have lost a loved one, you have my love and respect. Caregivers, spouses, and all family members are affected. This journey is not an easy one and in some cases, for you, survivor stories might be a downer. You might ask "Why them" and not my loved one. I can tell you, as a patient, I ask those same questions. I ask why chemo is easier for some and so horrible for others. I could go on forever here but know that everyone who goes down this road will be changed by it and everyone is a warrior and a fighter and deserves to be acknowledged and praised...not just "survivors".
• Finally, the term survivor is really kind of ridiculous because none of us are going to survive. I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer but seriously...I'm being treated for breast cancer but I could get squished by a semi on my way to treatment. Even if I never have cancer show up anywhere else in my body, ultimately, I ain't getting out of this alive. Technically, anyone who makes it from one day to the next, cancer or not, could be called a survivor. "I survived Tuesday!!"
• In summary, I guess my message here is that I don't like the term survivor because it makes it sound like cancer is win/lose. It's not. There's so much in between. If you're ok with the term, use it, I just have a different perspective now since I've had a cancer diagnosis, my body chopped up, clean baseline scans, a long treatment plan, toxic chemicals, annoying side effects (and on and on). We are, each and every one, fighters and are equally as spectacular! There is honor in the fight, my friends.

Love to all but extra love to my cancer patient warrior friends, those who have fought, those who are fighting and the family members and friends who stay in the trenches. YOU ARE ALL AWESOME!!!
Andee

YIPPEEEEEEE!!!!

Treatment Tracker Update...

I forgot to update this last week...

It's almost time...

As I type this, the countdown clock on the blog is at 9 hours even. In 9 hours I will be begin my final chemo - my 12th of this cycle and 16th overall.

I MADE IT!!!!!!

 

It's been 6 months since my diagnosis, 5 1/2 months since surgery and 4 months since treatment started. What a whirlwind. The journey isn't over yet but I'm going to savor this milestone. I created a playlist and posted it on our FB page yesterday. You can find the page from the link here on the blog. If you're viewing this from your phone and not your computer, you can switch to the web view to find the link or simply go to https://www.facebook.com/andeesnewworld.  You can dance and sing along with us. I'm planning on taking my laptop and blogging and/or tweeting through the session tomorrow. I know, I'm a huge nerd.  Feel free to join in on the fun!

I'm off to try to get some sleep. I'll catch ya on the flip side!!

 

Love to all!

Andee

There are SOOO many posts in my head.

Good evening friends!
I am currently (partially) awake. Woohoo! This is kinda big news. For some reason, the fatigue over the past two weeks has felt a whole lot like Round 1 fatigue.Crazy, right?!  I cannot get enough sleep. Once again I'm a little slow on the uptake.  I should have just planned to go to bed for the better part of a couple of days but I figured it out too late. Live and learn, right? At least I know what to expect through next weekend. Wait, have I mentioned that my last chemo (knock on wood) is on Wednesday? I have?? Really?

Obviously I wanted to post something, because here I am, but I want to sleep more. Sorry folks, I love you, I really do, but I must sleep. I will, however, provide a bit of a teaser for this week's posts. I commit to getting them all done and posted. Howz about that?! So, here's what you have to look forward to...

• Mutilation post conclusion
• My Save the Ta-Tas commentary
• Please don't call me a "survivor"
• Breast cancer....aren't you scared??!!

There's more bouncing around in this ol' head of mine but I can't commit to more than that at this point.  

I hope everyone had a fantabulous weekend. Back soon!!

Love to all,

Andee

Strength Of Survivorship Program Information

For my local breast cancer pals. The program is available to you regardless of where you receive treatment.  I just thought I would share.

Love to all!
Andee

Welcome to Andee's Insomnia Insanity

Good...uh...morning?
I'm still awake...yep...I am.  I've had a jam packed evening. I've had some Carolina BBQ in the crockpot all day. The 12 hour cook time wrapped up at about 11:30 so I then shredded and sauced that FABULOUS stuff. Then I logged in and worked for a few hours, updated my grocery list all while listening to some fun tunes. Now I'm starting to feel sleepy BUT I couldn't go to bed without putting something on the blog. I'm awake for YOU my dear blog follower. It's all about YOU! I'm groovy like that!  ;-)  Actually, I'm pretty dazed and if I looked in the mirror right now, I'm pretty sure I'd see something really similar to this...



"Big Eyed Dog" from Chuba & Company

I thought I would present some of tonight's...uh...this morning's thoughts in cartoon form. I'm tired, it's easier, and a whole lot funnier I could be right now. ;-)  Enjoy, laugh and come back when I wake up refreshed and renewed.  Love to all! Andee

 

 

(I didn't find any more cartoons that I felt were worthy of post. I'm going to bed.)

 



This will be short because Momma is sleepy

Well, I finished chemo treatment number 11 of 12 in this round, number 15 of 16 overall. Holy crap on a cracker! Can you believe it?! Even though I have plenty of fun yet to come, this is starting to feel like a real milestone. Sadly, I did not get my quick nap today after treatment so I've got to try to take advantage of what's left of the Benadryl and sleep before the steroids take over for a couple of days. Tomorrow I will post some new info from my oncologist - he's really opening up as treatment winds down. He's fabulous.
Sleep tight friends. We'll catch up tomorrow.

Love to all,
Andee

Laugh(s) of the Day

I love this!!

I should TOTALLY be demanding beads for every incision viewing!

 



Time to move!

As my chemo experience is winding down, I'm obviously reflecting a little on all that has happened in the past 5+ months. Oddly, on one hand it seems as if it has flown by but on the other, it seems like this has been part of my life for such a long time.
Over the past few weeks, you might have noticed a little less activity on Facebook, Instagram and, obviously, here. All of my "sharing" is still very important to me but I've started the process of easing back into a world that doesn't include (hopefully in both the near and distant future) cancer or treatment. I'm still sleeping a lot but my waking hours have been occupied with some actual work.  I'm lucky enough to be part of an organization that has been so understanding and supportive. I have been able to focus on my surgery/recovery/treatment when I needed to and now I can spend some time working out my ever-so-tired brain cells. It has been so good for me. I'm not moving mountains but I'm contributing and that has given me such a boost. It has motivated me to start working on the physical comeback as well.
Don't worry, I haven't been pitiful or anything - if I'm not sleeping I'm up and moving. I have just spent the several months doing a lot of sleeping, dealing with meds, treatment side effects, etc. Steroids have done their thing during over the past 11 weeks. I've gained some weight but I look like I've gained a lot more than I actually have. I am shaped like...I don't know what...but it's very different than before treatment. A year ago I was doing Insanity every day. Today I put my out of shape self on the treadmill and walked for 30 minutes. I walked a mile. REALLY?!?  UGH!  I'm out of shape, but not THAT out of shape. I just thought it best to start slowly. The point is, I'm not waiting until treatment is over. Depending on when they decide to start radiation, I'm still a full time patient until AT LEAST Thanksgiving. I've decided there is no reason I can't start now. I'm fighting through fatigue to work and I'll fight through fatigue for at least 30 minutes of exercise per day. With only 2 treatments left, I've finally figured out how to eat while on steroids (better late than never). I shall not focus on where I am, I'm going to focus on where I'm going to be. That means that I'm setting goals. I expect to be back into a 60 day cycle of Insanity no later than my birthday (if not earlier). That's in January, by the way.  As I've said before, my hope is that the blog will one day transition from cancer and treatment updates to life on the other side updates. Remember, I still have a year of Herceptin, 5 years of Tomoxifen and a handful of surgical procedures left to document so there will be no shortage of that type of stuff.  I will forever be a resource for anyone who has questions or needs support but I hope to include helpful information on what happens next. I figure we'll talk about diet, exercise, news and research. And, as always, laugh a little along the way.  For now, we'll have a lovely mix of updates - treatment and beyond!

Have I mentioned that I have treatment 11 of 12 tomorrow? I have??  LOL  Catch y'all later! Oh wait...we need a laugh...
I'll be back with some humor.   ;-)


Love to all,
Andee
Love to all!

Posts coming tomorrow...

I'm amazed that I can still sleep so much but I'm rolling with it. Obviously my body is telling me it needs the rest. Lots and lots of sleep this weekend. I hope tomorrow is a "mostly awake" day and I can work and complete some posts. Whew!

Love to all!
Andee

Keep Calm

If all goes as planned, my (knock on wood) final chemo treatment is in 12 days.  Can you believe it??? 12 days!!!!!

Treatment Tracker Update

 

Wow

The site has passed the 30,000 page view mark. I'm pretty sure my family makes up more than half of those views.  LOL  Regardless, I hope there are folks out there who have found some support, some helpful information and had a laugh or two. That makes sharing my business with the world SOOO worth it. I'm working on another post but just wanted to say thanks and I hope you keep coming back. The journey continues!

Much love to all,
Andee

What a slacker!!

I cannot believe it's been 5 days since I posted. That's just wrong!
I am currently hard at work updating the chemo tips page and finishing the RRT-Mutilation post AND working on my Save the Ta-Tas rant.
Stay tuned!!

The Really Real Truth - Mutilation (Post in progress)

Good evening friends.
I was going to write my Save The Ta-Tas commentary but that is going to take some time. I have decided to write a brief RRT entry on mutilation. It won't be that painful (I hope) and there will be laughs (I hope). That said, the Really Real Truth is just that and we're going to be talking about surgery so if you're not interested, turn back now! If discussions of ugly scars, scar tissue, and other tastefully detailed descriptions of a body after a bilateral mastectomy without reconstruction bother you then you really, really, really need to stop here.

I'll wait...

...but not too long...

....go...

time is...

UP!

Ok, here we go...

...wait...it's 12:22 and I need to try to sleep. I'll finish tomorrow.  If you don't want to read the details, just don't read the finished product.   :-)

Love to all,
Andee

Treatment Tracker Time!

Breaking News - Hair Update!

A pretty good representation of my current hairstyle...but his is longer.

 

If only I were as cute as this little fella. AWWWWWWW
 

Just for laughs - there are some things you hear yourself say and you have to laugh.

I sat down with Bobby to watch a little TV after the kids went to sleep. After sitting there for a few minutes, I jumped up and said "Oh crap!"  Bobby asked what was wrong. My response was, "I totally forgot I was washing my hair."

Do you see what's funny there?

Get it?

 

My hair was in the sink, people!

Maybe you just had to be there. ;-)



Interesting read

Please Put The Pink Can of Soup Down and Put Your Bra Back On

The Really Real Truth - Cording

It's time to mark some more topics off of our Really Real Truth list.  The topic of this post is cording, otherwise known as Axillary Web Syndrome (AWS). If you want to read a lengthy explanation of what it is, here's a link.

BreastCancer.org - AWS

I've had a couple of bouts with what we thought might be cording. I experienced some serious tightening in my left arm, the side where I had nodes removed. Both times, it was quite uncomfortable and fit all of the symptoms of AWS EXCEPT on both occasions it resolved on its own. I won't claim it's cording but I can tell you that the thought of that discomfort lasting more than a few days was not appealing to me.  As soon as I feel any sort of tightness, I ramp up my stretching. Maybe that helps. I'm just hoping that this does not make me more prone to issues once I start radiation.  Lymphedema and cording become more likely with radiation. Yippee!
Have I written about lymphedema yet??